By Greg Katz – WeAreSC.com
LOS ANGELES – The USC football head coaching job has brought out the big replacement names such as the Philadelphia Eagles Chip Kelly, Utah’s Kyle Whittingham, Texas A&M’s Kevin Sumlin, Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly, and – believe it or not – UCLA’s Jim Mora.
Between Saturday’s 41-31 loss to Notre Dame and this Saturday’s Pac-12 South Division game against undefeated Utah (6-0) in the Coliseum, more candidate names figure to surface.
There is one dark horse candidate, however, that should be strongly considered.
I, Greg Katz of WeAreSC, announce my candidacy for the position of head football coach at the University of Southern California. I will soon be sending my resume and qualifications certified mail to USC Athletic Director Pat Haden.
Here, my fellow cardinal and gold Americans, is my vision for the USC football program:
* I will junk the wannabe Oregon shotgun and “quick tempo” offense and return to a huddle offense. It’s about time of possession and limiting your opponent’s offense, which will make my defense very, very happy.
* I will place heavy emphasis on the running game with the old Student-body sweep, blast, and power plays. USC is the originator and Stanford is just the impersonator.
* I will bring back the fullback and place him in either the I-formation or offset and let him lead block, carry the ball four to five times a game, and use him as a viable receiver. Give me a Soma Vainuku and I guarantee he’ll get some old “I-formation” quick fullback traps.
* When my team comes out of the Coliseum tunnel, the sound system will play “Tradition” from Fiddler on the Roof.
* I will reduce the bubble screen to a soap bubble. Bubble screens take no physical toll on defensive linemen. I want four quarters of kick-butt football and wear’em down.
* My offensive coordinator will be former Trojans Heisman Trophy winning tailback Marcus Allen. He knows what a USC offense is supposed to look and play like.
* I will name WeAreSC defensive analyst Kevin Bruce as my defensive coordinator. I can assure you that Bruce’s defenses will be mobile, hostile, and agile.
* I will only recruit linemen that eat raw meat, running backs that run 4.4 or better, and linebackers that have genetic markers of a velociraptor.
* I vow that the team will all suit-up looking alike in their traditional uniforms with no deviation in the color of socks or shoes. Oh, and the metallic red helmets are out.
* Never to lose at Notre Dame if the weather dips below 40 degrees at night.
* Never lose to UCLA in odd or even years.
* I will recruit offensive linemen that block the old fashioned way – the smash-mouth way.
* I will dismiss the rap music at practice and replace it with loud crowd noise. Do you hear rap music in a game? Oh, you say my competition Clay Helton has already done that?
* I will return practices to late afternoon. Why have early morning practices before class when the games are played in the late afternoon or evening? We’re talking biorhythm here.
* I will place special emphasis on recruiting the type of players that wants to win national championships and not just use old SC as just a steppingstone to the NFL.
* I will order that the USC Marching Band be the musical entertainment before, during and after home games. There is no need for canned music in the Coliseum.
* I will bring back halftime card stunts and the first one will be the old SoCal spell-out.
* Parents will be welcomed to practice at any time, although I commend my candidate competitor, Clay Helton, for allowing parents to return to practice.
* I will restore the weekly USC Monday Morning Quarterback luncheons and take all questions and comments. I am a big boy, I can take it, and fans deserve to know.
* I will make sure there is no false player enthusiasm on the sidelines during games like jumping up and down for no logical reason.
* I will allow the press to be on the shady sideline during practice, so they aren’t subjected to skin cancer from direct exposure from the sun.
* I will reassure Trojans family and friends that Salute to Troy will be a celebration for all ages and not a Las Vegas adult themed lounge show.
* As head coach, I will not be looking to improve individual player statistics but just win, baby.
* I will institute the Disneyland “Fast Pass” concept for Coliseum restroom usage.
* We will not be a team that will be constantly penalized.
* I will not be rotating players but playing the players that earned it in practice.
* After every game, the players will be served cookies and In-and-Out burgers.
* And finally, I will give fans access to my cell phone number to discuss games, strategy, just to say hello, and will make myself available for birthday parties.